Love Lessons Learned the Hard Way…
I don’t like using the term “red flag” because it gives the assumption that the issue is evident right away and should be dealt with swiftly. What I experienced is better described as a series of beige flags, or better yet, camouflage flags because I couldn’t see them until it was too late, and I had already been shot.
If I could go back in time and give myself some advice, here are a few observations that current me would share with past me:
The honeymoon does not last forever, but it should not fade into a pattern of devaluation.
Do not lose your independence. You were a fully-functioning adult when you met and you don’t need anyone to explain or do anything for you that you have been doing for yourself for years. Someone reprogramming your thermostat or overexplaining simple ideas to you is not exactly an identifiable soulmate.
If you never hear them say anything nice about you to their friends and family, but you are gushing about how wonderful they are to yours, you are overinvested. Find someone who adores you and will not only tell you, but will also tell others. Your partner should be proud of you.
Don’t settle for low level energy vibes. Your partner should be able to keep up with you physically and emotionally.
If you are covering the distance to see your partner more than 50% of the time, you are wasting time, energy and resources for someone who is not excited to share your company. If they cannot come to you, you are not worth seeing. Stop chasing.
When you stop going on dates and having adventures as a couple, you will eventually drift apart. Quantity does not make up for quality – and quality time together is where the love is built. You owe it to yourselves and each other to spend some time focused on each other without distraction.
If you never have any time alone with your partner, rest assured they don’t want to spend time with you…they want to spend time with anyone but you.
When plans are made without consideration of your desires, you are not a part of the adventure. Don’t become a passenger on someone else’s journey, where you can be dropped off anywhere along the way. An invitation is a response to obligation.
Your time is as valuable as theirs – never forget that.
There will be times that you will come last in the hierarchy of your partner’s loved ones. You are sharing time with their kids, job, hobbies, parents, co-parent; but if you are always coming last, you should ask yourself why…better yet, ask your partner.
Codependence happens in all types of relationships. If no one in your partner’s orbit can make a decision without his/her input, this was carefully designed. 20 arbitrary phone calls a day to discuss trivial details of anything and everything is unhealthy. If it seems odd to you, that’s because it is.
If your partner is not making time for you, they do not care if they see you. “Busy” is an excuse.
Being present for you in a time of crisis is not always a loving show of support. It is an opportunity for them to play the hero, “fix” your problems, or somehow cater to their own ego. Showing up for you is not always for you, but for them. You will understand when they stop showing up for you at all.
When you feel criticized more than complemented, you should re-evaluate whether you are a partner or a performer.
No matter how comfortable you are in your partner’s space or how much time you spend in their home, if they are not making space for you in their life, you are not a part of it. A drawer is not a commitment.
You need to spend at least four seasons with someone before you really know who they are and where your journey is heading. If you get to four, then six, then eight, then ten, your journey is going nowhere, and you should have cut your losses at six. If you are not moving forward, you are waiting around for the end – and I am not talking about a fairytale ending.
If you try to discuss a future and your partner stops looking you in the eye, your relationship has already started circling the drain.
If you are constantly interrupted while speaking to your partner, they do not care what you have to say. If they do not want to hear your voice, they do not care about your thoughts or feelings. Never lose your voice for anyone.
Do not use sex as a barometer of the relationship. Sex and intimacy are two different things. If he’s not getting hard, and you aren’t getting off, keep your clothes on. You do not need to sacrifice your dignity and sleep in the wet spot to feel loved.
Someone who demeans you in the bedroom, does not love you outside of the bedroom. Respecting your body, spirit, and vulnerability is how trust is built.
Acknowledge how your partner responds to the emotional pain of others. If they lack empathy for those around them, they are not likely to care about your feelings either. They don’t have a reserve of compassion for you…you will receive the same “get over it” as everyone else. No one should be annoyed by others’ feelings.
If they are not interested in building memories with you, they are not planning for a future with you. If you have thousands of pictures of your lives together and they have none, it is because they consider you forgettable. You are not a memory they want to hold onto and reminders of you are just clutter to eventually be discarded with you and the relationship.
If the breakup seems sudden to you, it was not sudden for them; they were waiting for a catalyst to end it, and graciously gave themselves a head start on getting over you. They lost respect for you and your feelings long before they left you.
Someone who loves you will not invest time and effort into deceiving you. Someone with integrity will not tell you they love you while planning to leave you.
A good person will not blame you for their decision to leave. “You want too much from me” places blame on you that you are not responsible for.
An honest person will not villainize you in the eyes of their family and friends (or YOUR friends) to make themselves appear as the victim.
Don’t agree to be friends. No friendship should cause you to cry yourself to sleep at night.
If he is not 100% sure about you, he is 100% NOT FOR YOU. You cannot negotiate connection.