He. Was. Cheating.
That’s it. That is the explanation I have needed for the past year as to why our relationship had turned upside down without my realizing it. He simply had met someone else while we were still together and acted on it. He was open to cheating, so he did. Physical, emotional, or both – it doesn’t matter. He had checked out on what we had and there was no turning back. He was going to move on to something/someone new – and the shift had already begun.
The details of who she is, how it happened, and how long it had been going on don’t even matter and will only make it that much more painful to re-live.
He was looking for someone else while we were together. He was playing both sides until he felt a guarantee from a new interest. He learned the art of deception and practiced it until he became an expert.
Even if I had known a year ago what was happening, there would have been no way to salvage our relationship. I was failing at everything because I couldn’t be the person he wanted. There was no risk involved for him – getting caught was likely the least of his concerns…the situation would have taken care of itself had I found out. He didn’t want me, and hadn’t long enough to become unhappy, irritated, and repulsed by my existence.
My hero became the villain, and I had no idea how the story was unfolding. I spent months blaming myself for asking about our future not knowing that he was planning his with someone else. It was calculated, intentional, and secretive. I believed in him and in us, and he turned everything we had built over three years into a lie.
He wasn’t dealing with past trauma, he was not afraid of commitment, and I was not “mean”. He was keeping up appearances and leading me on while keeping an emotional distance from our relationship and building another with someone new. This is not on me; I did nothing to deserve such blatant betrayal. He was loved, and received more than enough attention, affection, and affirmation; whatever his ego was lacking, will never be fulfilled by me or any other woman - he will always be half empty. This is who he is. Whether or not he has ever cheated in the past does not matter. He is now a cheater, and once that threshold is crossed, it will become easier and easier to breach whenever he feels slighted, unfulfilled, or restless. It’s a slippery slope on which he became very comfortable and able to balance multiple relationships…until he couldn’t. I will never know how it began or how it evolved, and I keep reminding myself that it does not matter. He did what he did because that was what he wanted to do - and that is how he lives his life. He does his thing, and if someone is hurt by it, that is their problem. I thought I was immune to this behavior, but I wasn’t. When he stood in my office on a Thursday afternoon and said, “I don’t care about other people’s feelings” with a completely straight face, I knew that whoever I thought he was did not exist. THIS was the man I had chosen, while he had chosen anyone, anything, and everyone but me.
The deception is barely palpable, but it is the only piece of truth I have to put the pain to rest once and for all.
In my own spiritual journey, I have been encouraged to wish others happiness, love and light, but in this situation, I simply can’t. That ship has sailed and sank with him at the helm, and all of that love and light drowned with it.