My hero became the villain, and I had no idea how the story was unfolding.

The only commonality I have to these men is how consistently I veer left when I encounter them…much like a Sunday NASCAR race.

Starting over and healing has drawn on multiple resources. It has been an investment of time, money, and surrendering to a process I may not have wanted to undergo but desperately needed to.  It has been an investment in myself and who I want to be.

It took a tribe to save my life. You are my people. You are my heart. You are my family.

The broken fragments of my heart that others had pilfered had to be returned, and the blades of betrayal had to be removed if I was ever going to find peace.

The right people take the chance, they choose you just as confidently as you choose them. They hand you their heart.

Over time it became clear, the discussion of a long-term commitment to me was a moot point because he was still committed to a miserable, pride swallowing relationship of his choosing.

It's time to come home to my selfie

I was no longer a partner; I was a performer.

If I could go back in time and give myself some advice, here are a few observations that current me would share with past me

Heartbreak. It hurts. It hurts in your stomach - it is a hole that can hold vast amounts of "Nothing." The kind of nothing that can fill all the oceans and still have room for more nothing.

The word “trauma” has a broad definition, and it can be both physical, mental, and emotional – I have had a hard time coming to terms with mental and emotional trauma. I may have more understanding of it now, but I don’t know how to go about dealing with it.

The night I left Ike, I stood in the entryway of the house I had worked so hard to make a home waiting for him to either yell at me or pee on me.

The movie “He’s just not that into you” came out ten years ago, and it still rings true. I took some time to re-watch it and remind myself that sometimes they just don’t give a shit, but it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t.

As I wait for the golden age of courtship to hit code blue, I can’t help but wonder…how the fuck did we get here?

When he spoke, he looked people right in the eye as if there was no one else in the room and no conversation more important than the one he was having with the person in front of him. There is something to be said for that kind of consideration and integrity. He took the time to listen and be present in every encounter.

Today, I let it all go – I made the jump. I let the canopy of the parachute and the love of my friends and family lead me to the soft landing I have been seeking. Not only did I survive the leap of faith, but I laughed the entire way down.

Keep saving the memories. Don’t forget where you came from or where you are going. You are the someone you were always meant to be – and you are pretty great.

Don’t bring flowers to my grave, give me flowers while I am alive so I can enjoy them.

Do I feel older? Not yet.